Guy's applying for a job as a railroad switchman. Yardmaster: Tell me, what would you do if you saw two trains coming at each other on the same track? Job Applicant: I'd switch one of them right off and onto another track Yardmaster: And what if the lever is stuck? Applicant: I'd run out with a red flag and wave one of them down. Yardmaster: And what if the engineer doesn't see you? Applicant: I'd call my mother. Yardmaster: Call your mother!? What's she going to do? Applicant: Nothing. But she loves train wrecks.
Is it true that there are more people caused by accidents than accidents caused by people?
No Fly Zone
It's no wonder so many people are afraid of flying. You pull into the airport and the first thing you see is a big sign that says "TERMINAL." When you get inside the airport, you see all these guys selling life insurance. Next thing you know some clown comes on the loud speaker and "Flight 291 is ready for its final departure!"
I flew here on a 747. That's a big plane. 400 passengers and three restrooms. Now that's what I call a holding pattern!
Arthritis: Twinges in the hinges Reckless Driver: The guy who passes you while you're speeding Amateur Athlete: An athlete paid in cash not by check Slob: The guy who orders three eggs—two to eat and one for his shirt
Any Way You Slice It
Playing golf is a lot like raising kids. You keep thinking "I'll do better next time."
Charley was having a miserable day playing golf. On the 18th, he hit his drive into the water. Frustrated and having nobody else to vent against, he turns to his caddy and shouts "doggone it, you must be the worst caddy in the world." "Oh no sir," the caddy replies, "that would be too much of a coincidence."
Fair Weather Friend
My golf game is great. I shoot in the low 70s. Any colder than that and I don't play.
I asked my CEO what he thought of ignorance and apathy. He said "I don't know and I don't care."
My friend Harry has come up with a great new solution for baldness. He soaks his head in Preparation H. It doesn't grow hair but it shrinks his head to fit the hair he's got.
This tourist nearly falls off a cliff. So he says to one of the natives: "Hey this cliff is dangerous. Why don't you put up a danger sign?" "We did," says the native. "But nobody ever fell so we took it down."
Some people are funny. They spend money they don't have on things they don't want to impress people they don't like.
Some people get lost in thought because it's unfamiliar territory to them.
Some people itch for success when they should be scratching for it.
This newlywed husband comes home from work and finds his wife crying. "We've had a terrible accident," she weeps. "I baked a pie for dinner and the dog ate it." "Don't you cry, honey," says the husband. "I'll buy you a new dog."